Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
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My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.