Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
That’s no pocket rocket.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.