My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count