Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Succinctly put.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.