It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
You Might Also Like
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Nice try, poison.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
my professor scared me for a second
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer