Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
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Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
This is my pinned tweet
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore