My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
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When your best mate counts as a desk too
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Stop it! 😂
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc