I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
podcasts
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby