2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
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[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
🙄😏😂🤣
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.