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I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.