66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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#catsoftwitter
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.