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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
brian had himself a morning…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.