If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
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Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*pronounces patio like ratio
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.