Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
The Joker was right
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Succinctly put.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school