Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
✌🏽
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*