Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
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Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Important reminders
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”