Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.