That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
You Might Also Like
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.