Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
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We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Risking my life for fun.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.