I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
New favorite tiktok
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer