New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.