Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
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It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.