Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.