I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
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[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”