Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
good work, everybody
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.