I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
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How times have changed.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number