2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Writing, She Murdered.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.