She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
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when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that