[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.