HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
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Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house