Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 馃槀馃槀
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they鈥檙e growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it鈥檚 that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wife: how鈥檚 potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that鈥檚 great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it鈥檚 not.
him: hi, I鈥檓 Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Why does laundry happen to good people?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here鈥檚 the thing, kids. Wolves don鈥檛 have lips so they can鈥檛 blow at all. That wolf was framed.