ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad