My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I only eat vegetarians.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus