When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
You Might Also Like
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.