Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
No, I don’t think I will.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok