If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
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When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Schrödinger’s cookie
Unexpected Judgment
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Plant care tips