Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
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Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
kevin is now a local weatherman
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”