gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them