If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.