Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
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“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
The Struggle
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.