FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
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The devil.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Scream sneezers need love too.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft