Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hell yeah 👍
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”