πββοΈ
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Iβve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like itβs all just insane people looking out their window and then writing βsuspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobbyβ
If itβs in a bowl and itβs before lunch time then technically itβs cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I donβt know dm me to ask me how Iβm doing and this old dude commented βonly 20? Out of 33k?β And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know Iβm not sexy π
Writing a horror book called βChores you didnβt know existed and were supposed to be doing all alongβ
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say βAre you okay? Be careful.β Instead it came out at as βAre you careful?β That answer would be an obvious no.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bobβ¦what does it look like Iβm doing?
Neighbor: β¦urinating on my mailbox
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
HIM: weβre under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I canβt be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. Iβm fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.