Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
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Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Sunday
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.