(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
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When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Encore…
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.