If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
fly smarter, not harder
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
new record!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.