Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
You Might Also Like
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!