Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.