The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber