Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
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My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken